


Gasoline

by MattLightwood (TanyaHarries)



Series: Malec Drabbles [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Regret, Sadness, gasoline by troye sivan, magnus thinks alec is not over jace, mild clizzy, months after season one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:29:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8145796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TanyaHarries/pseuds/MattLightwood
Summary: Alec wakes up feeling awful after things that happened the night before.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So... I thought I should write some angst after all the fluff. Please read till the end before you kill me lmao. You should definitely listen to _Gasoline_ by Troye Sivan while you read it. Oh and spoiler alert: there wasn't any cheating or romantic Jalec here.
> 
> Enjoy! (if you can!)

_I smell heartbreak on my hands  
I feel sick to my stomach as I begin to stand _

When Alec woke up, his hands were over his face, covering his eyes from a light that wasn’t there. And there, sealed in his palms, the smell of Magnus’ cologne, from the many times that he caressed his skin. From the many times he played with his hair. How weird it was, that it didn’t matter how many times he washed his hands, the smell was always there, reminding him of Magnus.

But this time realizing this fact wasn’t a reason to smile.

Very slowly Alec started to sit, the movement taking his breath away. There was a deep pain in his bones, pain that not even an iratze was able to take away. An overwhelming sense of sickness was also there, turning his stomach around and making him feel like throwing up.

_I see your outline in my bed  
In the same spot I watched him rest his head_

Alec knows he shouldn’t do it. But he still turns his head to look at his bed, empty of anyone but him and the outline of Magnus’ body still there. From the many times he sneaked him into the Institute or the times when the laid there together. But now, looking at it, Magnus wasn’t the only person he saw.

Just last night Jace, bruised and hurt all around, laid there by his side, clinging to him with a need that he never thought possible of his parabatai.

What kind of irony. A younger Alec would’ve paid thousands for having the chance he had last night, but right now he wished he hadn’t do it, that he just stopped and thought about it.

 _I’ve done you wrong, I regret it_  
_I write this song, try to forget it_  
 _I feel this emptiness in my chest_  
 _It feels surreal, but I’m feeling stressed_

After many years of feeling like he just kept disappointing the people he loved, Alec couldn’t believe that he did what he did, that he said what he said; that this emptiness was eating him alive and taking his breath away. His legs felt weak, so he just sat there, staring at the door and regretting every single little mistake he made the night before.

_“Okay, let’s go home,” Clary suggested, standing from the ground with Isabelle’s help. She had a couple of cuts and bruises, but otherwise was okay._

_“That’s an excellent idea, biscuit.” Magnus, not as visibly hurt as the others, was smiling from his position. He turned to Alec. “Do you want to take the train, or are you okay with a portal, darling?”_

That was the first mistake. _Alec hesitated. It wasn’t a hesitation that came from his doubt on how they should go back to the loft, where Alec now lived, but from another thing._

And then, the second mistake. _His hazel eyes searched for Jace, who was still sitting on the ground, the one who was hurt the most, looking at him with begging eyes, but without saying a word at all. Magnus followed his stare and Alec could see his jaw clenching with the wrong impression that this image gave him._

_“I see,” Magnus trembled. He was suddenly pale._

_“Magnus, I-” Alec tried but he tripped with his own tongue._

_At this point, Luke did the lord’s work and took everyone away, sensing the tense situation between the couple. They were all waiting on the sidewalk by Simon’s van._

_Alec gulped, not without difficulty, and tried to place a hand on his cheek. Magnus softly slapped his hand away, turning his face so they couldn’t look in each other’s eyes. There wasn’t a way for Alec to fix this, because he couldn’t explain it to Magnus without it looking terribly bad, without making it worst._

_“I thought that at this point you would’ve let go of any romantic feelings you had for him,” Magnus’ voice cut the air and pierced Alec’s heart, “it’s been months. But I guess I can’t really go against him, can I?”_

_“Magnus, it’s not like that. I love him, but-” Alec stopped again. Why couldn’t he say the whole sentence?_ But he’s my brother _._

_“But?” Magnus insisted, giving Alec the chance to either mend his heart or break it into pieces._

_Alec couldn’t respond._

_“He_ needs _me,” Alec couldn’t believe what he said._

_There was a sad smile on his face. Magnus seemed to be laughing at himself._

_“That’s all I needed to hear,” he said and with a snap of his fingers, a portal appeared behind him, and soon enough he was gone._

Weak or not weak legs, Alec stood from his bed and walked to the door, tears falling down his face in such quick succession that trying to dry them off was a waste of time, as they were quickly replaced by more tears.

 _I need to do something_  
_I fucked up for nothing_  
 _Now I gotta just tell someone,_  
 _Tell someone what I’ve done_

Izzy’s bedroom door it’s opened, and she’s laughing and tickling Clary, both of them really close to each other and enjoying themselves after all this mess it’s finally done. Because they have each other, and because they found in the other what they’ve been looking for for years.

Because they know how to cherish someone.

When he stepped into the room without knocking, both girls stopped their game completely. Clary looked confused, but the concern in his little sister’s face was obvious, and it told him that he looked as awful as he felt.

“Clary, love, can we talk later?” Izzy asked pulling some of Clary’s hair behind her ear.

“Of course.” Clary moved to leave, but not before pulling Alec into a hug. Being as tiny as she was standing in front of him, she had to embrace him by the waist.

Alec hugged her back, but his eyes were closed, so he couldn’t see Isabelle’s impressed face when he did. He never showed emotions like that to Clary. They were friends, yes, but never like this.

And then she was gone.

“Alec, what-?”

“I fucked up.”

 _Please bathe me now, wash me clean_  
_Just set my heart on fire, like gasoline_  
 _Bathe me now, wash me clean_  
 _Just set my heart on fire, like gasoline_  
 _Oh, no, like gasoline_

Izzy moved to take him by the hand and guide him to her bed, where she forced him to sit down. She disappeared for a second, and then she was back with a box of tissues. Alec tried to take the box, but his sister slapped his hand so she could take one tissue and start cleaning his face slowly.

“Is it about what happened last night?” Izzy inquired, pretending to be too concentrated on her cleaning work.

Alec nodded.

“What happened, exactly? I just saw Magnus leaving you and then you and Jace getting into your bedroom,” once she was done, Izzy gave him the box in case he needed more tissues.

“He asked me how I preferred to go home. And I just, I don’t know why- I just looked at _Jace_ ,” Alec explained, voice clearly broken. “And he thought I was choosing Jace over him. He thinks I’m still in love with Jace, Izzy. And the worst part is that he wasn’t even _mad_. He was sad.

“I broke his heart. After all this time I just-” Alec covered his face with his hands. “I told him that I love Jace. But I couldn’t tell him _how_ I love him.”

The pain in his bones was now reaching his heart. He felt like the only way for him to stop this pain was to create another one to suppress it. Burning himself alive, hitting something until his knuckles were sore and raw with the skin open.

“Alec…”

“I don’t know what to do, Izzy.”

“ _Talk_ to him.”

“I-”

_I wake up the morning after  
You call but I don’t answer _

His phone started ringing. The sound came from his room, but Izzy didn’t allow him to go get it, she did it for him instead. She gave him the phone, and Magnus picture was there, smiling at him.

And as much as he wanted to answer and hear his voice, Alec couldn’t bring himself to do it. Izzy didn’t force him to, so the ringtone stopped and a minute later, there was a voicemail waiting for him. This one thing Izzy didn’t allow him to mess it up. She snatched the phone from his hand and quickly opened the message for both of them to hear it.

“ _Alec, I don’t know what happened last night, but we were both hurt and confused,_ ” Magnus cleared his throat. His voice sounded bad, as if he’d been screaming for hours. “ _I need to see you. We need to talk. Call me back, please._ ”

He didn’t need to look at Izzy to know that she was going to tell him to go.

_And I can’t look you in the eye,  
No matter how hard I try _

Felt weird to stand before the door’s loft and not using his key to get in. It was almost as if they never were together, as if that wasn’t Alec’s home.

Magnus opened the door, but Alec couldn’t hold his stare. He tried, but he couldn’t. Magnus didn’t say a word, he just brought Alec into his arms, holding him tight against his chest, allowing Alec to hide his face on the crook of his neck and sob quietly.

“I am so _sorry_ ,” Alec whined and felt Magnus’ hold tightening.

“Shh, baby. It’s okay.”

After they closed the door, what happened it’s between them.

**Author's Note:**

> If you read it till the end, thank you! I know we writers shouldn't say this, but they make up and everything is alright, so please, don't kill me (?). Anyways, remember you can find me on tumblr ([@Mattlightwood](http://mattlightwood.tumblr.com))!
> 
> Thanks for reading! c:


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